Making sense pt.1
Some people can share their thoughts and feelings in a clear and concise manner. Others can pen them to a melody and write a song.
I, cannot.
For me it’s a stream of thoughts bombarding me at the speed of light. I wrote something on Easter Sunday, 2020 in a moment when these thoughts were begging to be let out so I drunkenly jotted them down, technologically. I began writing really to make sense of myself, as many of us recommend and I began sharing them with a friend who began a quarantine blog. My writing experience, as many of my life ones, aren’t ones I take too seriously, have much structure to them or that I expect any praise for. It’s just a form of therapy and if others can relate, it’s a bonus, ding ding ding!
Excerpt from Easter Sunday, 2020;
“So what I realised today is my brain is a sieve. I had so many thoughts which I wanted to write down and was like oooh yeah do it, 6 hours later here I am and no thoughts left from 6 hours ago.”
Writing this right now I wonder if I should include these past thoughts along with my previous ‘Morning thoughts on Solidarity’ but instead I ponder new ones and I may save those for another appropriate time to share.
I guess as a modern day vlogger shares their unwanted QUAN-tent, I guess I shall recap my week from finish to start, without the video.
What I made:
potato scones
Eggs
Lentils
Salad
G&T(s)
Dalgona coffee (oops)
Coffee, coffee, coffee
banana bread
Guac
+ More which I can’t remember
What did I do:
redid my website
Posted too much on instagram
Danced a little
Read a little Lay in the sun a little
Had sex
Pondered my existence and my worth
Considered new means of work
Thought about posing naked and capturing it myself
Spoke to friends
What I learned:
I’m a gem
I’m attracted to men with trauma
I’m scared of settling and/or being alone (a contradiction)
I’m alright at what I do
I think about myself too much
I reflect a lot
I’m caring and supportive to a fault
Making sense pt.2
Dating during quarantine? Is it a thing? Is it real? Should we or shouldn’t we? I read something a powerful independent woman wrote on her Instagram a few days ago.An ’ask me a question’ response in which (paraphrasing) she said she doesn’t date (answering a question about managing a start up and dating). Someone else then asked her about dating during lockdown and she was like what’s with all these dating questions! Forgedaboutit.
Damn, how often I wish I was that woman, the one who didn’t even consider dating or finding a partner. I feel like in the last few months I’ve taken a turn (for the good) towards really feeling content with me, myself and I. Do I now understand what it is that makes ME happy and how to keep myself happy away from relying on others? Yes. No more CODEPENDENCY.
I look back on the two major relationships that shaped me as I am today, the first being from the age of 19 for four years. If I think of how unbelievably afraid I was of being alone and knowing what it was that I, Hannah, liked without the comfort of a partner, I am miles ahead of this now. The last relationship (which I’ve harped on about endlessly) opened my eyes to what I liked, what I was passionate about, what I could channel this into to be content and I guess that’s why I find myself hung up on it a lot. However, saying this, I do believe I am a better version of myself as it stands today.
If you recall, the sex I had this week (see pt.1) was with a man who will remain anonymous, whom I have sexed a total of 3 times. Going into it was different for me. Sorry mum but here it goes, full frontal, bare all honesty, as my friends are so used to. He slid into my DMs, very rarely does this happen to me. I like to think I am the kinda gal that doesn’t fall for this shit, but I do. He was cute, funny (by profession), smart. But the one, or two, big things was BABY AND MARRIAGE (he had both). I questioned him straight up “Aren’t you married?” He did that annoying Instagram thing of LIKING THE DAMN MESSAGE INSTEAD OF ANSWERING THE DAMN QUESTION. What the fuck does that mean? Eventually we concluded, he was not married (anymore). WHY? WHAT HAPPENED? YOU HAVE A BABY. Questions and thoughts I couldn’t possibly ask at this point. “When are we going to hang?” shit line, *rolls eyes* Yet, I don’t say NEVER - I give him my damn number. Too easy Hannah, too easy.
Anyway he doesn’t message me for like two days and I’m like…HUH? I pull out my witty self and return to the previous messages “Are you saving that number for a special occasion?” And thus begins our 6 week, post-COVID 19 sickness and we’re ‘still talking’ if you can call what we do ‘talking’. He’s one of those inconsistent messagers, and when he does he says like two words to my paragraphs. I’ve learned to build an immunity to this. It doesn’t matter but it is a likkle bit of a red flag (which I tend to ignore and instead listen to my vagina). I won’t go too far into the other red flags (yet) other than the fact that I cannot figure this guy out, do I have time to or do I care to? I make a lot of excuses for peoples ‘bad’ or unexplainable behaviour, namely men’s. Why do I do this? NO IDEA.
My mother is the complete opposite and she, along with my grandmother who has been married since the age of 17, are my two female role models yet I cannot relate to either on this front.
Back to unnamed man, we spoke of what is normal ‘when dating’. He put the ‘dating’ word out there very early on stating he wasn’t fucking anyone else (does that mean dating?). We are in lockdown so the likelihood of finding another girl willing to is pretty low combined with the fact that you have a BABY.
Anyway, NORMAL *pensive face* I didn’t have a definitive answer when he asked this, I just said “I know what feels right to me” casually alluding to the fact that this, my friend, does not feel normal. I have developed this fear since the last guy I ‘dated’ would freak out and call me crazy anytime I expressed my true self and thoughts because he just couldn’t comprehend emotions. They call that emotionally unavailable btw. So, considering how much I’ve learned since THAT GUY, I thought about it, what I want, and what’s normal for me when ‘dating’ (minus the abnormality of lockdown). Maybe something like, spending time with each when it suited both not just one of the daters. Perhaps going for a walk, cooking dinner, having an evening together, not just a 4 hour morning window before you have to collect your child. Pretty simple start right? Remember those red flags, add the lack of the above things happening to those and yes, THIS IS NOT DATING. Yet that fearful girl inside me who doesn’t want to jeopardise something at all despite knowing it’s not right, continues on. I wonder and question why I am always attracted to/involved in difficult romantic scenarios. Of course something is missing from inside me. The journey to figuring this out is constant and me writing this to you now, is a part of that desired understanding. I reference daddy issues, I know I have them but to be honest, they aren’t as bad as they could be. I don’t think I ever learned how a man should treat a woman and as I blame(d) myself for my relationship breakdowns, I think I punish myself by dealing with lesser situations. I’m not sure if I’ll grow out of this and I no longer believe in the one, the soul mate. But I do believe in people who come in and out of our lives and teach us something about loving ourselves because you are the one.